I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
