We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
bring money and cleavage
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
