Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
