Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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