My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
