Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize