oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
