You smell like stripper and shame
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
