her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Randomize
