I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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