I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
