I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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