highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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