It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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