dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Alive.
So much puke
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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