he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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