I bet he comes in French.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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