Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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