Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
