pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize