Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Houston, we have a squirter
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
