That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
