Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
