Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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