I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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