I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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