i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
