im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
