Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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