he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
