You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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