I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
