1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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