Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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