he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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