I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
