Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
