Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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