I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
