I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
