Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
