She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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