uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
