I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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