im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
