Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
