How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
