I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
