After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize