mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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