Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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