Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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