Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
