He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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