at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize