Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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