I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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