So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
