Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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