i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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