You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
and you fell through a lawn chair
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
