i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
