He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
