I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
