Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He had one of those small greek statue penises
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
