she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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