I didn't shave. On purpose
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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